Memories
by CorneliaSweetmay
Summary: Remus is still having a hard time understanding the loss of Sirius, so he spent his time looking back on the maurauder days.


**Disclaimer**: I am sad to say that I don't own these Characters; I'm just playing with them!!!

**A/N**: Find the time to Review, Pretty Please!

**Memories.**

Remus Lupin walked into the living room of _the_ _Noble and most Ancient House of Black_ and sat down in front of a small vessel. He looked anxiously around, though he knew that there was no one left to see him or judge him. Only one person was left to judge, and that was himself. He closed his eyes and touched the surface of the silvery liquid in the vessel, feeling the strong memories pulling him into the depths of oblivion.

The ebony autumn sky was covered in torn, crying clouds. The velvet moon had disappeared along with the stars, and the wind was howling like a wounded animal – and so was Remus Lupin.

He sat there, in the icy wind holding the rest of what had once been his brother.

The six-year old boy's heart was breaking with sorrow and guilt. They weren't allowed to be out here during full moon, and the twins had never understood why, until tonight.

The young boy held the body of his mutilated brother even closer, ignoring the pain in his own shoulder.

Adult Remus Lupin was standing, just feet away, careful not to make any noise, though he knew that his younger self on the ground would not hear him.

As another wind gust hit him from behind, Adult Remus noticed that a man was standing to his left, only a few feet away.

Not caring about the man, Adult Remus watched himself whisper soft words in his dead twin's ear. The other boys' neck was broken, his head dangling on young Remus' hurt shoulder.

The man stepped closer. He had a long white beard and silvery hair, he wore black robes and half moon spectacles and his wand was pointing at the young Remus on the ground. When he spoke, his voice was caring and patient.

"Remus you have to leave this place. This is not a place you should be. I'll need to take you to St. Mungo's"

"Go away, Dumbledore!" the boy said tetchily. "I don't need advice. Do you think they can help me now – help Romy?"

"Remus, I have known you for many years. Your family is like my own, and I see you as my own grandson."

Tears fell down young Remus' cheeks as Dumbledore said this; it made staying there so much harder.

The old man continued. "But most of all, I see you as my friend..."

"I don't need a friend!" The young boy cut him off. "Do you think anyone would ever care enough to be my friend? Do you think anyone will ever accept me? When I'm like this?" The boy broke off. This use of anger was totally uncharacteristic for him. He suddenly felt ashamed, and along with the pain and the guilt, it was too much to handle. He broke down in tears, crying like he'd never stop. But he did in the end. He wrapped up his feelings inside – the anger, the sorrow, the love – and buried them deep inside.

But the tears still fell on the inside, where no one could see them, where no one could judge them, where no one could ever touch _him_.

The dark night faded and a beautiful room, furnished with cherry wood chairs and a large cherry wood desk, filled Adult Remus' view. Behind the desk sat Dumbledore, this time however, he was looking with admiration at the young boy sitting opposite him. Dumbledore opened his mouth to say something, but in that very moment, there was a knock at the door, and two boys practically fell through the door.

"You were afraid you wouldn't have any friends here, Remus, and here you are, nearly unable to shake them off , even when you are talking to the headmaster," Dumbledore said, smiling.

"Professor Dumbledore! May we please borrow Mr. Lupin? It is a matter of great urgency!" said James. Sirius, who was standing behind him, was laughing between breaths.

"Is it really?" Dumbledore asked, a vague smile upon his face.

"Yes, you see Professor, Sirius and I need Remus to solve a very important dilemma for us."

"What is it? Perhaps I could be of some assistance." Dumbledore said, still smiling.

"No. I don't think that's such a good idea, Professor." Said Sirius still panting. "I'm pretty sure there's a school rule that illegalizes what we had in mind."

"Well, in that case, Mr. Black, I am with out doubt that the three of you were never in my office today, and I never heard what you said. But I must warn you, if Professor Latvia finds out that you three have thrown dung bombs into his office, I will have to give all thee of you detention, for being foolish and getting caught." James and Sirius smiled and Remus got up from his chair.

"Were we done, Professor?" he asked and Dumbledore nodded.

"Yes, I will tell Poppy what you have just told me."

The three boys left the office and as the door shut Adult Remus found the room dissolving and a bright sun was shining down on him. He was standing on the tender green grass watching himself, James and Peter sitting on the ground, waiting for Sirius to join them, after his three day stay in the hospital wing, due to a Quidditch accident.

They had been sitting on the soft grass for hours, talking about all the pranks that they could pull, now that they had their Padfoot back.

Remus surveyed his three friends and himself and took in their appearance, noticing all the little things he had forgotten over the years.

Firstly there was James Potter: an annoyingly charming, black-haired teen with three things on his mind: Trouble, Lily Evans and Quidditch. The first thing was what he did to make his day pass and the reason why he couldn't get the second thing – Lily Evans. And the third thing was the reason why he looked the way he did: windblown hair, a thin, but strong body, with a good tan and muscles to boot.

He was currently convincing Peter Pettigrew that the giant squid had eaten two students just a week ago, and Peter, of course, believed him.

Peter still held liberal amounts of baby fat, had short dark-blond hair and blue eyes that widened in fear when James gave a detailed description of how the second boy ended his days.

Then there was Sirius Black, who was walking towards his friends, making sure they didn't notice him before he was close enough to surprise them.

He had short black hair, with a subtle blue shade, with midnight blue eyes and a flashing smile, that made the girls swoon and the boys' turn green with envy.

Sirius Black was a ladies' man. With his beautifully toned manners and his witty responses he could get any girl he wanted.

Lastly he looked at himself, the lithe, adorable, charming heartbreaker he had once been, and he didn't recognize himself at all. He saw that none of the three boys on the ground had noticed Sirius coming from behind the place where teen-Remus sat.

James was in the middle of a very violent part of poor Ralph Gideon's (there was no such student at Hogwarts) death.

"Don't you believe him, Peter. He's just bored!" Sirius said loudly, and his three friends turned to greet him.

James flew up and ran to his best friend, jumped up in his arms and kissed his forehead.

"I am SO grateful to see you buddy! Moony made us study, and Peter set one of my books on fire!"

"I'm sorry to hear. Now could you please get down? Madam Pomfrey works wonders, but she can only do so much in three days."

James got of his friend, but didn't stop smiling. "Moony has been worrying sick about you. He figured that three days in a bed would make your brain stop working..."

"I never said that." Teen-Remus broke him off. "But I was worried. That was quite a stunt you pulled!"

"And you don't think we worry about you every month?" Sirius said and raised his eyebrows.

"Well, I can handle it." Remus said and finally got up from the soft grass. He walked over and stood in front of his friend with his arms crossed and his chin raised in defiance. "I'm not a weak human."

Sirius opened his mouth, but couldn't make up a comeback, so instead he flung himself at Moony, causing the slightly smaller boy to tumble back on the grass. James quickly joined in the fun and after a while he and Sirius had conquered the slender, but viciously strong werewolf, and the three of them lay panting on the ground.

Peter hadn't moved, but then suddenly exclaimed, "There is no Ralph Gideon, is there?"

The three other boys started laughing. The nimble Chaser jumped up and did cartwheels, but Sirius needed help from Remus, to get on his feet.

"What would I do without you, Moony?" asked Sirius and gave Remus a grateful smile.

"Sleep at night?" suggested James, who had moved on to summersaults.

"I'm not the one snoring!" Remus said in a dignified tone of voice. "That's Peter."

They all laughed, but Sirius soon stopped, putting a hand on his sore ribs, his breathing shallow.

"Are you sure you alright?" asked Teen-Remus, worried, and stretched out his arm to catch Sirius as he fell to the ground, shaking. James and Peter ran to Sirius' side, anxiety and fear on their faces. Adult Remus took a step closer, but as he did the lawn disappeared quite suddenly and was replaced by the white, cold walls of the hospital wing.

"A unfortunate reaction to one of the potions, I believe," said Madam Pomfrey upset, as she examined Sirius' shaking body. She slipped a few drops of some black liquid down Sirius' throat, and he stopped shaking. "I dare say he will be fine now." she said and put a gentle hand on Sirius forehead. "Normal temperature now. He'll be fine."

Teen-Remus watched Sirius with the greatest relief in his stomach, and then took in a deep breath of air; for the shortest moment, he had forgotten to breathe, and he was sure his heart had stopped beating as well.

He cared about Sirius, like he cared about James, like he cared for Peter.

As far as he could remember, he had never felt very strongly about anyone; he couldn't. It was against his werewolf nature. He couldn't hate, couldn't love, couldn't feel anger, nor pleasure.

Already as a child, he knew what was in store for him: a life of diminutive happiness, a life in absolute loneliness. So he shut off all of his emotions, wrapping them away deep inside where no one could ever reach them.

He treasured and respected his parents of course, for all they had done for him. And he cared about James, Sirius and Peter, as much as he could care about anyone, but not enough to let out all those carefully bottled up feelings.

But he almost had, as he saw Sirius shaking in pain on the ground, he had almost opened that Pandora's box.

Adult Remus watched Teen-Remus looking at Sirius.

The light was dimming away and a bright full moon shone above Adult Remus. At first he was alarmed, but then remembered that this wasn't real – this moon couldn't hurt him. Then instead he was filled with awe and amazement at the sight of the bright, silvery circle, that hang like a warning to all mortal, telling them to stay inside, where it was safe. He then saw a great, black dog, a smaller, greyish wolf, a stag and a rather plump rat running playfully across the grounds of Hogwarts. If anyone were to look out of one of the castle windows, they would be sure to see at least three of the four animals.

The pack turned and started to head straight in his direction. He didn't move, not even when the black dog, the shadowy wolf and the agile stag raced straight through him. At that point the cool night air started to dissolve it self and he was now standing in a brightly lit flat looking at the four Marauders talking.

"I'm marrying Lily in a month. Then I won't be Prongs the great Marauder anymore. I'll be James Potter: married and soon-to-be-father."

"It must be scary!" said Sirius, almost trembling at the thought.

"No, not really, more...Final," said James rubbing his forehead. "I mean, I know I'll be with Lily forever and we'll get old together and have a zillion grandchildren, but still, marriage is very final."

"But at least we'll have a happy day. We need that!" said Peter in a very matter-of-fact voice.

"Some more than others. Moony, have you gone somewhere else and left your body behind – again?"

A pale, troubled Remus Lupin looked up at his three friends. "Hu? What?"

"Are you still with us? I just wondered because you haven't said anything in two hours. Not like that's your personal record, I think that was five days with out a single word, but still. This is scary."

"No, I was just listening. I'm really looking forward to a wedding; I've always wanted to go to a wedding, since I'd never be able to get married myself..." He tried not to sound too accusing, but his friends caught the bitterness in his voice.

"Don't worry, Moony," said Sirius carelessly. "I'll never marry either. Besides, we're all married to each other anyway. We'll all grow old and dreary together, and we'll bicker like old women, arguing when we're telling James' zillion grandchildren about our Marauders days, because none of us can remember who turns into which animal."

James and Peter both laughed along with Sirius, but Remus still hesitated.

"We love you, Remus. We're brothers." Said James and put his arm around his younger friend.

"So what if you can't marry, or have children?" said Sirius. "They're a bother anyway. You've got us, and even though James is all grown up, you just remember that after half a bottle of Firewhisky, none of us are potty-trained anymore."

The young Remus smiled and looked uncertainly at his friends. "You guys really love me?" He asked with his head tilted in an adorable angle.

"Yes we do!" said Sirius firmly. "And to prove it, I promise that once a year on this very day I'll tell you, so you don't forget!"

The young Remus smiled but the Adult Remus shook his head. He felt the room go hazy and dissolve into a darkened room.

The room was clearly empty, but it wouldn't be for long. Remus remembered this far to well.

A Sirius in his twenties busted through the door, dragging a grown post-Hogwarts Remus behind him and closing the door carefully.

"So? Have you decided yet?" asked Sirius quietly.

"About...?"

"About us getting that apartment, now that James have gone and gotten himself married and turned parent."

Remus looked at his friend for a few minutes, looking as if he were not sure how to answer. Then he looked at the floor. "I don't think it's a very good idea, Paddy. I'll need to find a place back home, where there's deserted and where I can turn without hurting anybody.

"Oh, come on! You can't do anything for the Order in old Eire. And I can keep you covered during the fool moon on my own. I'm able to control the wolf by myself, I've done it before. I'm stronger than you."

Sirius smiled confidently, but Remus shook his head and looked into Sirius' eyes. "You're stronger than Remus – at times – but you're not stronger than the wolf, Padfoot. How could I ever forgive myself if I hurt you? Or bit you?"

"Well, at least then _something_ would happen," Sirius said smiling.

"That's not funny, Sirius!"

Sirius' face darkened and he winced slightly at the use of his real name.

Remus looked at him, and sighed. He was younger than Sirius, but in so many ways he was older.

"Sorry, Padfoot. I'm just so Goddamned scared for my life. For all of our lives."

Adult Remus saw Sirius pull the 23-year-old Remus into a tight hug, and when the two friends broke apart they looked shortly at each other, unaware that this would be the last time in thirteen years that they would look at each other.

Again Adult Remus wanted nothing more than to stay lost in memories, but like before the surroundings melted and was this time replaced by the living room in the Black House. He was sitting on the floor in front of a small vessel full of a slivery fluid.

"You shouldn't have done that, Moony," a voice said. Remus ignored it; he knew it wasn't real.

"Look at you! You're trembling. It's the same every time, when are you gonna learn?"

"Go away! You're not real, you're dead."

But Sirius didn't move.

Remus felt tears streaming down his cheeks.

After Sirius escaped, it had never been the same between them; they had both lost so much, and knew so little about the other. They had found a mutual agreement not to mention the time they had spent apart, unless it was for important reasons. The thought hurt too much.

And now, Remus needed to talk to Sirius, explain how much he had missed him, how he had never truly believed that Sirius had betrayed James.

But he couldn't; he had lost his chance, and now, all he had was the memories, sweet and sad, and unbearably painful.

"I loved you Remus, remember that, please," begged Sirius' voice, slowly fading away.

Remus curled up in a protective ball on the hard floor, with the memories fresh and cutting.

"I loved you too, Padfoot. I hope you knew that." And with out additional prose, he fell asleep by the fire, and Sirius faded away, like a cloud of dust unable to hold on to reality.

I stay to watch you fade away

I dream of you tonight

Tomorrow you'll be gone

It gives me time to stay

To watch you fade a way

I dream of you tonight

Tomorrow you'll be gone

I wish by God you'd stay

I stay awake.

I stay awake and watch you breathe

I stay awake and watch you fly

Away into the night

Escaping through a dream

_The Second You Sleep_´

Sabia


End file.
